


Never As Far Away As It May Seem

by evol_love



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Friendship, Gay Kendall Knight, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Male-Female Friendship, it's pretty minor but also the crux of the story so. y'know., rewrite of 3x07: Big Time Decision
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:49:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25773130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evol_love/pseuds/evol_love
Summary: Kendall needs to choose between Jo and Lucy. After taking Katie's advice, he finds he chooses a third option he didn't know he had.A rewrite/continuation of 3x07, where Kendall comes out to Jo instead of getting back together with her.
Relationships: Katie Knight & Kendall Knight, Kendall Knight & Jo Taylor
Kudos: 49





	Never As Far Away As It May Seem

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what to even say here. I've been marathoning the show and have become insanely attached to Kendall in this here quarantine. We cope how we can, I suppose. Anyway, I really love Jo and I really love her relationship with Kendall, be it romantic or platonic, and then this episode came along and presented the perfect opportunity to explore it further. 
> 
> Title is of course from Worldwide by Big Time Rush :o)

The long walk _does_ help Kendall clear his head. He’s not sure if he should thank Katie for that or not. 

The decision to knock on Jo’s door feels almost unconscious until he’s most of the way there. His feet seem to carry him there before his brain has decided it’s the right thing to do. Once he’s faced with the reality of knocking on her door, though, he’s not as sure as his body had been. Because this changes everything. If he goes through with this, he’s making a choice that impacts everyone, not just the two of them. 

He takes a deep breath, and knocks.

Jo looks beautiful as ever when she answers, understanding in her warm brown eyes as she realizes who it is. And god, he feels even worse about this, even less sure, because he _knows_ what this looks like and what she must think, and he has to take that away from her. Again. 

“Hey,” he says. It’s all he can say.

“Hey,” she answers. She always knows how to speak his language. Meet him where he’s at. He loves her for it. He does. It’s just...

“Can we talk?” he asks. His anxiety must show on his face, because she frowns a little, tilting her head in concern.

“Yeah, I think we probably should.” She steps back to let him into her apartment. “It’s just me here right now, so we won’t be interrupted.” Kendall nods, any bravery he’d built up sinking away as this becomes more and more real. He drums his fingers against his thighs, a nervous tick he’d picked up from one of the guys, or maybe they’d picked it up from him. It’s impossible to tell anymore, the way their shared history overlaps and connects. Except he can’t think about them right now because if he does he starts wrapping his head around _talking_ to themand if he does that he’ll get seriously, seriously freaked out and won’t be able to focus on Jo at all, and Jo is right there in front of him looking super worried so he should definitely say something but he _can’t_ , he can’t think of the words at all. “Kendall,” Jo says, snapping him out of what Logan would probably (un)helpfully tell him is the beginnings of a panic attack. “Hey. It’s just me. Take a deep breath.” He nods, doing as she says and trying to pull himself together enough to do this right. He owes her that. 

“Okay,” he says after a minute. He tries to start. He really does. He opens his mouth and nothing comes out. He thinks really hard about wanting to speak, but he can’t make himself do it. “This really is not easy,” he says, mostly to himself. Jo dims a little more. “No, no, not like that. Listen.” He moves a little closer to Jo, looks her in the eye so he’s facing her, honest, because he loves her and he needs her to understand that in order to do the rest of this. “I thought kissing Lucy was something I wanted. But then it happened, and it didn’t feel like I thought it would. And there’s a reason for that...” he trails off, searching for something, _anything_ to say to delay the inevitable. 

“Are you okay?” 

The question blindsides him. He blinks back at her, her genuine concern for him even in the face of probable-rejection, and his heart swells. This is Jo. He knows Jo. He _trusts_ Jo. 

“I’m gay.” Immediately, Kendall feels weird and warm and wrong for saying it, speaking it into existence just like that. He’s never said it out loud before; before today, he’d barely even consciously put a name to this thing he’d been feeling. 

The surprise on Jo’s face looks genuine. She blinks, starts a sentence several times before she’s able to get a word out.

“Okay, I didn’t see that coming,” she says. 

“I know,” he says, and the guilt that’s been gnawing at him all day is back in full force. “I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t have to apologize, god,” she says, shaking her head and waving a hand in an absent-minded dismissive gesture. “I just. Didn’t expect that. But maybe I should have? I feel like I should have, I don’t know, had my suspicions or something.” 

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” he says with a shrug. “Maybe sometimes, but not with me. Even I couldn’t see the signs for what they were.” She huffs a laugh at that. It makes him smile in return, hopeful. “I wasn’t ever _using_ you, Jo, you have to know that. I really didn’t know.” 

Jo nods. “I believe you. I don’t think you would do that.” Kendall didn’t even know he was afraid of that until he felt relief coursing through him. Jo exhales, sharp. “Sorry. I swear I’m not, I don’t know, _mad_ or anything. It’s just a lot to process.” 

“Yeah,” Kendall agrees. His voice cracks like he’s 14 again. He hopes she doesn’t notice. 

“I’m going to be honest with you, Kendall. I’m gonna need some time. And it’s not because I have a problem with you, or anything like that. It’s just been kind of an intense 24 hours and I think I need some space to regroup.” Her voice is kind, her expression earnest, and Kendall thinks it’s about the best response he could have expected, honestly. “But I want you to know, even if it’s a little weird right now, I’m so _proud_ of you.” She gives him a watery smile, and he thinks his is probably equally teary.

“Can I hug you?” he asks, not wanting to cross any new boundaries they may have but also not wanting to just burst into tears in her living room. 

“Yeah,” she laughs. “Yeah, of course.” He wraps his arms around her and pulls her close, maybe a little roughly, but she doesn’t complain. She hangs onto him too, arms tight around his waist. 

“Thank you for being you,” he mumbles into her hair, grateful that it muffles the sound so she can’t hear how wobbly his voice is. They stay like that for a minute or two. He’s not sure who starts to let go first. 

“Have you talked to the guys yet?” she asks. He groans.

“Not at all. I haven’t even begun to think about it.” 

She gives him a sympathetic smile, but pushes, “I get it, but those guys _love_ you. This isn’t going to change that.”

And he knows that, deep down. Logically, he knows it won’t change much about his friendship with three of the most important people in his life. But still. Kendall is a people pleaser. He wants them to like him, to be easy around him and not feel like there’s this Thing between them, to act any different around him. And he _knows_ his friends. They won’t think there’s anything wrong with him, but things will still be strained as they try to figure out how to make it obvious that it’s Totally Okay And They Support Him. Kendall isn’t ready for that. Not just yet. 

“I’m going to tell them soon. But I wanted to talk to you first. I think I owe you that much.” 

“Well I’m glad you did.” 

“Friends?” he asks hopefully. She sucks in a breath. 

“I need time,” she repeats. “I want to be here for you, but I’m not ready to be just friends yet. I hope you understand.” 

“I do,” he agrees. He lingers in her apartment, unsure of where to go from here. “I don’t really know what else to say,” he admits. 

“Yeah there’s not really a rulebook on telling your old girlfriend you’re gay.” She’s smiling again. 

“I guess if there’s anything you need, or want to talk about, you know where to find me? I know this isn’t all about me.”

“I mean, it’s _mostly_ about you,” Jo counters. “But thank you. I might take you up on that.” 

It feels final, somehow. He’s only now really starting to process that he _did that._ It’s out now. _He’s_ out now. No going back. 

“I should probably go,” he says. Jo nods. 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” He stays, though, looking at Jo and wondering if he could find a way to stay forever, where it’s safe and he doesn’t have to worry about what anyone else might say.

“Kendall?”

“Hmm?”

“It’s gonna be okay. Everyone loves you. I promise.”

He sighs. “You’re riiiiight,” he says with a whine. “I know you’re right, it’s just. I don’t want to deal with it. This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this and I feel like I need to sleep for a week to recover.” She laughs at that, then bites her lip. 

“Look, I can’t tell you what to do. They’re _your_ friends and _your_ family. But I do know that they’ll understand if you can’t tell them right away. You don’t have to come clean the moment you make up your mind.” Kendall starts to protest, but she cuts him off. “I _know_ you, Kendall. You have a big heart and that’s really great. But you don’t _owe_ them this if you’re not ready for it. This is about you. Okay?” She squeezes his arm for emphasis. 

“Okay.” It’s not, not really, but she has a point. He’ll work on it being okay. “Thank you. For everything.”

Her smile is sadder than it had been before, but her expression is soft. “Thank you for trusting me.” 

He leaves before he can continue overthinking this any further. Katie is lurking in the hall, which shouldn’t be as startling as it is. 

“Sooooooo,” she leads eagerly, clearly hungry for details. Kendall groans inwardly; he might have guessed she would get overly invested in his relationships. She always liked Jo. Frankly, though, Kendall thinks she might like Lucy even better. Lucy is cool and aloof and doesn’t let anyone tell her what to do. “You went to Jo’s door, right? Because I had $50 on you picking Jo.”

Kendall frowns, confused. “$50...with _who?_ Who’s betting on my love life?” The thought makes him nauseous. 

“Unimportant,” Katie dismisses with a wave of her hand. “Now spill! If I can get an exclusive I stand to make even more.”

She’s so _eager_ , so sure of where he stands and where _she_ stands to profit. Kendall doesn’t know what he’s feeling, if he’s angry or hurt or scared. Maybe all of the above. Whatever it is, it makes him snap, “Well I’m sorry about your betting pool, but I didn’t choose either of them.”

Katie stares blankly back at him, processing. 

“Okay...I _didn’t_ have money on that.” Kendall doesn’t so much as crack a smile in response. Her face falls. “Are you sure?” 

That gets a huff of laughter from him, though it’s humorless. “Yeah. I’m sure.” 

She frowns in thought. 

“I don’t get you,” she says at last. “You have two _beautiful_ girls who want to be with you and you turn them _both_ down? Is this some weird martyr hang up of yours? Like if you can’t make them both happy you want to suffer too? Jo is smart and funny, and Lucy is _so cool,_ what more do you want?” Katie’s voice warms as she talks about Jo and Lucy, who hadn’t been right for him but who seem to maybe fit the bill for Katie perfectly. Something about it tugs at Kendall’s heart, and it’s the feeling that he could maybe help his sister on her own path that urges him to speak up. 

“I didn’t choose either of them, because I don’t like girls,” he says carefully. She raises her eyebrows in surprise, opening her mouth to speak and then closing it again. 

“Since when?” she finally asks. 

He shrugs. “A long time. Always? I don’t know. I only really started thinking about it today. Your uh, your suggestion to take a walk kind of helped clear up a lot of things.” He doesn’t miss the way she lights up a little at the notion that she’d helped. 

“Okay,” she says with a nod. She’s accepting this very easily. It’s encouraging. Like maybe this doesn’t have to be a totally earth shattering thing.

For now though...

“Look, I’m glad we could have this talk, but I need you to promise me you’re not going to tell anyone else about this. If this gets out before I’m ready to deal with that, it’s not going to be good. For anyone. So no running off to your weird Kendall Fan Club Betting Pool, okay?” 

She has the decency to look sheepish. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “I didn’t realize this was as big a deal as it turned out to be.” They’re both quiet then, thinking. “Are you gonna tell mom?” 

Kendall exhales, caught off guard. 

“I mean, eventually? Probably not _tonight.”_

“Fair enough.” 

Kendall scrubs a hand over his face, exhausted just from talking about this for an extended period of time. 

“I should go find Lucy and talk to her too,” he says, because it’s the right thing to do, even if the thought of coming out for a third time today is incredibly daunting. “But maybe after, we could hang out? Just the two of us?” He can’t remember the last time they’d spent time together, brother and sister. Katie must be thinking the same thing, because she looks surprised. 

“Sure,” she says with a shrug. “You’re allowed to rent the R-rated movies mom has child-locked anyway.” Kendall snorts and ruffles her hair, and she swats at him to push him away, but she’s laughing. She’s not acting weird around him. She’s not off to sell the story to the nearest gossip rag or turn the guys against him or some other nightmare scenario his brain had come up with. 

This is something he can do. This is something he can be. 

He and Katie go their separate ways—her back to the apartment, him to Lucy’s. It’s still _weird_ , it’s all still very new and weird, but he already has people on his side. He can handle whatever might come next so long as he has that. No matter how terrifying the idea of telling the guys is, or Gustavo and Kelly for that matter. Or the idea of actually having a relationship with a guy, a real one, it becoming public knowledge the way his relationship with Jo had been. It all makes him want to lie down in bed and hibernate for a decade or so, but he knows that he’s going to be okay in the end. 

So Kendall Knight is gay. It’s not how he’d expected the day to go, or his life in general. But he’d never expected to be in a band with fans and tours and a fancy recording studio either. He’d done that for someone else. And he’d done it alongside his best friends. He can do this alongside them, too. 

But maybe, for once, this is something he can do for himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave me a comment and let me know what you thought. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr @lesbiantoziers.


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